Adoption journey and discovery...continued

These past few months have seemed like an archeological dig!  And the gamut of emotions - HUGE! Happy, confused, sad, disappointed in some.  I must admit, I spent most of yesterday's afternoon in tears trying to understand a person's rejection. I've made it abundantly clear that I am only seeking answers, I don't need anything. I am a sensitive, caring and kind soul, but I am also very pragmatic.  So, at some point, after I had cried it out, it was time to let it go.
I think I had to be at this point in my life, my experiences and maturity level to be able to take all of this in.  Although I have been researching and searching since I was probably 15, I think you have to have a bit of maturity under your belt to handle the reality.  Expectations vs. reality ....sometimes hard to accept.  And for me, I have a habit of working hard to make things the way I want them to be. It was an incredibly brave step out on my part, to open my heart and expectations, make myself incredibly vulnerable to whatever may result. When you undertake this journey, you have to be prepared for any and all reactions.  It took a great deal of courage to pick up the phone and make a "cold call" and introduce myself.  I had absolutely no idea what anyone knew or what their families knew.  That's just one of the risks.  Do the children or spouses know?  If not, what is the conversation that must occur?  Why has it been a secret for so long? But, I put on my "big girl panties" and a dash of bravery, picked up the phone and introduced myself.  How do you start the conversation?  I was simple, ""My name is Lisa and I think you may be my biological mother". ""My name is Lisa and I think your brother may have been my biological father". Prepared for the worst, hoping for ...maybe not the best but somewhere in between.  It's hard to put into words, but although I had wonderful, loving parents, there is always an underlying sense of rejection.  I had to be prepared to to experience another rejection at this point in my life.  Fortunately, I have a loving husband, a best friend and a best sister friend.  My support group was in place!
I have no idea where this is going to go. As I've shared with a few, I have no roadmap for this journey! I want to continue to get to know bio mom and bio dad's family but I also want to be respectful of how everyone accepts and processes this new information and the comfort level each has.  Maybe it will be "ok, question answered, bye", maybe it will be "we want to know you and have you know more".  Either way, as I have said before, I made a leap of faith, I was courageous and brave and willing to open my heart to the possibilities.
 I waited to pursue this in earnest until Mom had passed because every time I brought it up she got upset.  I always told her that I wasn't looking for a new mother, I was looking for myself.  But that was too hard for her to understand.  So out of love, gratitude and respect...not to mention the extremely complex relationship we had, I waited,
Both sides have been accepting, excited to know the answers to their questions. I'm grateful and thankful! God has spread his fairy dust on me, once again!

I continue to process it all...

Now the time has come to write...at least a bit.  I think the writing will be in spurts as I continue to process it all!  Everyone has had a bit to take in!

Of course I have a million questions but they aren't questions that can be answered in simple conversation.  The questions not only cover factual, specific things, they cover things about ideas, thoughts and feelings!  I have been so blessed and happy that the feelings have been those of love and acceptance.  I took a leap of faith, but I have great faith!

The last few days my husband has come home with "what now"? But he has been supportive, loving and respectful. His biggest concern is me.  He knows this has been a long journey and one that I have vacillated on at times and of course, for Dave, he, I'm sure has all of these questions about "what next"?

I have loved seeing the few pictures that have been shared so far.  Just seeing people who look like me...it gives a visceral sense of belonging that cannot be explained.  And the stories......

I know...more to come later and I can't wait!  Hopefully at some point soon, it will be in person!

WOW!! The Universe has opened up!

There is no possible absolute answer that can be given to anyone involved in a myriad of different birth circumstances.  The best that one can hope for is humanity, grace, understanding and humility.  

At some point, when things become more clear, get sorted out, the story will be able to be told.   I already know most of the answers, I just need to know how to write the story.  I really thought I was ready to sit for several hours and write tonight...but I guess not.  But I look forward to putting my handwriting (yes, it is terrible) to paper and tell my story.

Meanwhile....I need to re-name my blog!   I'm definitely out of my 40's and God willing, menopause will be in the past!   So if you are looking for a cute, high IQ egg conveyor...sorry....SOL!

The End of an Era

Dave and I were in FL in April.  I told him the that mom would not make it much longer.  He was convinced she would but I could feel her spirit going. It was the first time I knew her will was coming to an end. She and I alike...we will "will" things to happen!  She knew that she could no longer live on her own and I was trying to work on alternatives. This whole process of going through her things that made her happy, secure.....like we all have, has been enlightening.  Ask yourself, who is going to clean your stuff out? What will they learn/understand about you?  Things that you value, know the history behind, will just be "stuff" to other people. But it was mom's "stuff", it gave her comfort and security.  It was an honor to get to see her from my age, experience and perspective.  Mom was a simple woman of faith, a complex woman of experiences.  Her house was a place of refuge.  You never left hungry, you never left without hearing about God, you never left if you needed a place to sleep.

So many memories....mom was born on a farm in GA.  They grew up with nothing.  Her mother watched her house, husband and baby burn down in an uncontrollable fire.  The family moved to FL, again to farm.  Mom had to quit school in the 8th grade...two reasons...her father died and girls were, at that time, not granted an education.  Your job was to marry and reproduce.  But she had a lucky star...her beautiful smile, the way she could talk to anyone and immediately make friends.  She had an independent, strong, resilient spirit. Even at the last, she challenged me, the one she trusted to make her decisions.

Mom had many chapters in her life, as we all do.  She made lemonade out of lemons. She would sit and have coffee with me when I was a child (BTW I haven't had coffee for years) and talk with me like a friend.  She and I are more alike than I want to admit.  And I am proud of that...at last!

She had a peach tree and pomegranate tree...these were the trees that were used for switches.  When the time for discipline came, we had to go out and pick our switch....it was part of the punishment.  Of course, I picked branches or little nothing's....and then I would have to go out again.  And I made her chase me around the house one time.....she did catch me. And I paid the price!

What else, grilling onions outside, tying Teresa's foot to the bed in the middle of the night, painting Mike's fingernails black, dipping Tim's hands in warm water in the middle of the night, jumping off the roof, thinking it was fun, sparklers to be lit for dates, waiting in our bedrooms on Christmas morning until we could come out, calling "good night" to everyone, holiday dinners around the "big table" in the dining room, the classic family dishes, football games in the front yard, walks in Wingfield after holiday with the niece and nephews, when Bob died I spent 2 weeks just letting her take care of me...I was 41 but I still needed "mom".  It has been a blessing that I can .....I could go on and on.
God bless you, Mom, we love you!

Daddy

Daddy has been on my mind lately...not sure why... He was a remarkable man! He grew up in New York City.  His parents had immigrated from Lithuania in the late 1800's.  His dad was an architect, his brother followed suit but Daddy chose a different route.  He went into to the army, served in WWII, built airstrips on islands in the Pacific, shot a few times....funny, but he would never, ever talk about his experiences in the war.

He left NYC, moved to Miami, raced cars and speed boats, played the ponies (too much sometimes), loved Jai Alai.   Constantly reinventing himself!  He moved to Orlando in the early 50's, met Mom through mutual friends, started building the first subdivisions and mid-rise office buildings in Orlando.  After only 6 weeks, he talked Mom into going on a fishing trip with him....remember this in 1952, in the South, a Jew with a Baptist! Daddy had already been married once before, was 18 years older (is there a family trend?) so it was a big deal to take an unsupervised trip.  They wound up in Valdosta, GA, deciding at some point to cross the state line and get married!  No waiting period in GA!  I guess he was also a great salesman (another trend???)

They tried for 10 years to have kids.  Mom used to fly down to Miami for what at the time were state of the art fertility treatments. No luck!  That's where I come into the picture.  Adoption was so different "back in the day".  They already knew that Michael was going to be theirs....just waiting on the birth.  But, one day in December, their attorney called and said there was a baby girl that had just been born and was available...did they want her?  YES! And 2 days later I was "home".

Daddy and I always had a great relationship.  He never had to spank me, it was just his look!  That was enough!  I never wanted to disappoint him!  He also talked with me on an intelligent level..never talking down to me.  I remember as young as 5, we would spend Saturday mornings together, driving around to various construction sites.  At that time he was still smoking.  I clearly remember being on the intersection of 434 and 427 and making up a rhyme..."Leaders don't smoke and leaders don't drive fast, so please leaders don't smoke and drive fast".  Odd what sticks with you. So our Saturday's were going around to work sites, then we would go the the Coca Cola plant and he would buy a flat of 8oz glass bottles of Coke.  Then we would go to Ronnies deli...first lunch...then get weekend supplies...smoked chubs, pickles, bagels, nova, cream cheese with chives, almond horns and rainbow cookies!  Sunday...it was "Meet the Press" and "Face the Nation". Once football came on, I was out to the pool! But at a very early age he stressed how important it was that I get a good education, be able to take care of myself, be self-reliant.  I think it was my 12th birthday present...the Kiplinger Letter that was new to the press.  Days of going through Dean Witter brokerage statements to teach me about the market, every few months of sitting down and reviewing what it takes to run a household from a financial perspective.  He taught me to drive, vetted boyfriends, hated my first husband, always stated his mind.

He had one of the first quadruple bypass surgeries in the country.  The Debakey team flew in from Houston and performed it at FL Hospital on Rollins.  I still remember sitting in the lobby, at that time there were a lot of restrictions on where children could go in hospitals, but when I finally got to go to the ICU, I remember how cold the room was, the machines, tubes, the cold slab...not a bed.  But he made it!  And quit smoking but yet had another quad bypass....and still made it!

I was with him when he had his last stroke.  I held his hand when he died in the middle of the night.  I miss him.  There are so many times I wish I could pick up the phone and call, or sit and watch the Sunday newshows, debate  politics, just ask for advice, just hang out!

DOMA, Prop 8

This week has been raft with discussion on DOMA and Prop 8.  I have a few friends that did legalize their long term union and I celebrate with them.  I find it interesting that so many are feeling it ok to criticize things without thinking about how that may apply to them, when you are discussing sin.  I cannot speak to the teachings of the Koran, I can speak to the teachings of the Bible, the Torah and the Talmud.  "Judge not...."  ......" Cast the first stone".....

For instance, when you marry, you are committing yourself for life.  How many people do you know who have divorced their spouse after a few years because....well...whatever....the effort got to hard, their spouse was going through a bad time, they got bored....Or, how many times have you broken  one of the commandments?  What does it matter if you go to confession every Sunday, yet keep doing the same things over and over? Or  "fall out, speak in tongue" on Sunday but go back to the same behavior on Monday?


I keep coming back to the same thing....God is LOVE!  Just take a look at the world!  The number of races, colors, beliefs, living situations.  He/she said were created in their image and if that image is perfection, then we are perfection.  Each of us is a work of God's manifested beauty on Earth!!!

MOM!!!!!!!

This past week has been a series of hours on end of calls about what services are available to navigate the road of aging parents!  It has been frustrating, confusing, time consuming...and not my normal..."here's my question, I want a direct answer." Plus, mom has been extremely uncooperative.    My sister and I have both been on the phone, I'm exhausted.  I've gone through the conversations about moving her out to live with us in CA but do not think it is a viable option.  I worry about hiring in home help in terms of not being able to supervise them from CA.  Mom, of course, is pissed about me trying to help...oh,except when she needs money transferred to her accounts...then...we're "best buds".   Where is God and nature when the jig is up?  If it were me....let me fall asleep on a bench in my backyard, with the sun shining....all things taken care of...no worries, just good memories!